general description of my life

my life is undesirable. i was about to say i hated my life, but i’d much rather have mine than many others and wouldn’t want to be dead, so i will just stick with undesirable.

it’s like i live for nothing. i’m in college and in a difficult major and don’t see myself accomplishing such a hard task. i have an awful, meaningless job and work from 7pm-3am four nights a week. i have no friends and if i averaged out how many hours i sleep a week, it would be about 4 hours a day. i am extremely unhappy with my body and face. i’m 100% average in every way; in grades, looks, humor, personality, weight, talents, everything. but the worse problem right now is the love of my life just broke up with me. it’s a little more complicated to explain than he broke up with me; i technically ended it, but with everything that happened, it feels like he ended it, he checked out first, so that’s how i’m going to phrase it. 

i just go through the motions of my life with a fake smile painted on my face. i don’t tell anyone any of my problems, i just listen to others’ problems. i have a twin sister. i know every detail of her life, she knows nothing about mine. the one person i shared everything with, left me, and now i have no one. i have too much pride to tell people the problems i am dealing with, mostly out of embarrassment. my pride is the main reason i have lost everyone. i’m too prideful to forgive and too prideful to apologize. i want to change, but realistically, i don’t see that happening.

i sometimes lie in my bed and cannot believe i am this alone. i used to tell everyone my secrets, but as of recently, no one knows me. no one. just recently i went two days with no one i know making contact with me; not my parents, not my twin, and i didn’t have work so no one from there either. i could have been dead, it was like i was invisible to the world. it was a strange feeling.

Posted on 26 September 2011