he and i just got back together. i’ve never been so happy!! i love him and there is no way this is real…
it’s only been two days and James has started to ignore. he doesn’t try to talk to me and he’s starting to be really short with me. how is this fair?? he wants nothing to do with me but then when he sees me in person he will be all over me and just expect me to go right along with it and then drop me once again. i love him so much and would do anything to be with him but this is just not fair. i just want the courage to leave him for good. he doesn’t need me, why should i need him?
he has been talking to me a lot recently. he texted me a bunch yesterday and even called me at around 4am last night to see if i made it home from work. and he hasn’t just been speaking to me, but he has been sounding like he actually likes and wants to talk to me. this morning he also called me like three times to wake me up for class when he didn’t even have to be up. this is weird. it’s making me happy, but this always happens right after we see each other. give it a week and he’ll be right back to ignoring me. it makes me cry because i know it won’t last and i know i’m just getting my hopes up for nothing.
p.s. he hasn’t talked to me about everything i said in orlando. he told me he would tell me everything he’s thought about but he hasn’t yet. i don’t want to remind him because i’m afraid he will get angry at me and then stop talking to me, but i just need to know. i want him back so badly. i miss him. i love him.
i’m quitting my job. i work way too much and never have time to sleep/study/eat/have a social life. i won’t have any money but that is the price you pay if you want to have a life. there are at least two nights a week where i just don’t go to sleep, sometimes three. i’m making the right decision.
plus, on top of the that, i’ve had just about enough of my coworkers. they are slackers, rude, and pieces of trash. they just talk shit and never do they’re work. my job is somewhat easy so they feel like they just don’t have to do anything.
fuck em all.
i’m in a really good mood today. stayed up all night and made it to my 8am, spanish. i had an oral exam and received a perfect 100%. i was actually being really social before class and was somewhat over confident with my looks on campus. i talked a lot with this guy in my math class as well and make a joke with a guy in my accounting class. i’m being so social today.
i really like feeling this way, but i know it’s superficial and just a sort of high i am on. i want to feel normal, not extremely excited and then extremely depressed.
but james texted me some already this morning and it’s only 10:30am. i’m on cloud nine right now, fuck the fact that’s it’s completely screwed up.
i think i am bipolar. and not in the ‘OMG that girl is so, like, bipolar. she always gets mad!” way, but in the clinical and medical ‘there’s a real problem here’ way.
my dad suffers from sever anxiety and my uncle, his brother, is actually bipolar. i am also diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder. it’s this big issued\ i have that i’ll write about later. OCD goes hand in hand with severe anxiety, and so does being bipolar.
after a huge fight, i can pretend nothing is wrong, and actually be happy. when i say pretend, i mean i forget i’m mad. i also get extremely hyper as well as sad and burst out crying when i am by myself. i will get dressed in the morning and thing i look really attractive and walk around campus all proud, and then i will go in the bathroom and see a mirror and will automatically act insecure and think i am the ugliest person on campus. i talk extremely fast and get excited easily. i will get in moods where i want to work out constantly and then feel great about myself. the next week i will hate even walking to class and feel like the fattest person in the world. i get extremely tired and also have insomnia. sometimes i want sex so bad it hurts (i hardly like sex). i through fits and i am probably the most sensitive person you will every meet.
i want to be normal.
i’m pulling another all-nighter it hopes i will once again make it to my spanish class, and then my math class, and then my accounting class. during these all-nighters i do pretty much the same things: watch netflix, take ridiculously long baths, facebook stalk, read, do my hair and make-up, and avoid homework at all costs.
during these all-nighters i think a lot, and tonight i’m think once again about my ex.
yesterday i met up with him in orlando to go to halloween horror nights. we hadn’t talked much in about a month so it was pretty awkward at first. we met at the hotel were staying at to drop off all of our bags then ate at chili’s, still awkward, but it got easier to be ourselves again. when we got to the hotel we laid on the bed and watched a movie (we were sharing a bed for the night). while laying down we got closer and closer and he started to rub my arm and my back but nothing more. we eventually left for halloween horror nights. i was really excited but worried he was almost dreading going with me. i had to practically beg him to go because i hadn’t seem him in so long and i really missed him. i knew this was the last time we would really get to hang out. when we got there we watched a show that were in the streets. he started to jokingly lean on me and and eventually i just leaned on him. i can’t describe how excited i was in that moment. we had dated a year and i have leaned on him countless times but this time was special. after that we saw another show, one in an outdoor theater. we sat close and he again started to rub my back. he also would sit close to me and lean it and touch my arm or my leg with his hand and move his hand slow against it. i did it once and he held my hand for a second but then i stopped and tried to sit up and put my hands in a place he could not reach them and ignore any of his attempts to try to touch me. i wanted him so badly to touch me and i wanted to touch him more than anything but then flashbacks of him rejecting me and not wanting to be with me and him never talking to me came flooding back. he was really going to deny my existence when i’m off at school, but when we were alone he would come after me. i started tearing up and tried so hard not to let him see. after the show and for most of the night he continually tried to hold me and touch me. on and on we became 100% comfortable being around each other, joking around and having fun. it was like we were back together again and everything was fine. it started to rain and he while we waited he tried holding me and touching me. i gave in once and hugged him when i won a giant stuffed animal at a game. i was really excited so i hugged him a few more times and he continued to touch me. oh, i also touched him in a haunted house when i was grabbing onto him because i was scared. after that we ate, well he ate and i sat with him. we were really close and he put his arm around me and i thought ‘screw it’ and i leaned into him and we held hands and acted like a real couple (he even kissed my head a few times). we got in line for a ride and the whole time (the line was extremely long) we were hugging on to each other and resting on each other and he started to kiss my neck and playfully hold me. i did the same in return. anyone who saw us would probably just lump us in with all the other young couples who weren’t afraid of PDA, but we didn’t kiss once. he tried so hard but i just couldn’t bring myself to let him. how was this fair? he was allowed to break my heart and i would still go back to him whenever he wanted. the rest of the night we held onto each other and held hands and i kept catching him staring at me, smiling. back at the hotel we got in bed and cuddled and eventually we started making out, of course, and a few other things. we slept in each other’s arms all night. the next morning came and i showered and as we went into the parking lot where are cars were, he told me he had to leave. we had planned on going to eat first but he said it had gotten to late and he had to get home. my drive was 4.5 hours, his was only 1.5. he casually said bye and that’s when i lost it. i cried and was so angry at him. i asked him how we could do this to me. lead me on all night long when he knew how much i loved him and treat me like that. he just argued with me. he eventually, just to shut me up, took me to go eat something. it was so very awkward. he wouldn’t talk and i just teared up the whole time. eventually i just started talking about our relationship and asked why he didn’t love me. he said he did but that was the last thing he said. he refused to respond to any of the questions i asked him. i finally gave in and we both went our separate ways. he told me he would call me and after he had thought about anything and answer me. on my car ride home we pretended like nothing happened and texted a little and joked around. same for the rest of the night and then he went to bed and i am here pulling an all-nighter.
after all that happened this weekend, i can’t get him off my mind. i’m so pathetic and desperate, but i can’t help it. he has seriously treated me like i’m no one to him and i am still there, trying to be a part of his life. i just don’t understand why he doesn’t want to be with me. i know i am dramatic, but aren’t all girls? he’s extremely passive aggressive and even more proud than i am, so i know even if he wanted to be with me, he wouldn’t. i really hope he calls. i know every day will be like last night. that was the most fun i have had in a really really long time. and i could tell he had a great time too.
i just absolutely hate myself when it comes to him. i know i need to drop him, i just can’t. i can’t even find friends, how am i supposed to come to love another person besides him. i want him so bad and think about him all the time. it’s weird because in the first six months of our relationship he loved me so much and i just liked him. i took advantage of him and he would do anything in the world for me because i was his everything. then it just switched. we dated for a year. i broke up with him many times but he always begged me back and i gave in. i broke up with him after a year but we still talked and then he just seemed to drop me. we still kissed and talked all the time so it felt like we were together. this is why i just say he broke up with me. the weird part is that when i had him, i didn’t want him. and now that he is no longer mine, i absolutely need him. i know it’s the whole ‘you don’t know what you have until it’s gone’ thing, but it doesn’t matter. the point is i really need him.
i’m so fragile right now it’s almost impossible for me to function.
please come back to me, i love you.
my life is undesirable. i was about to say i hated my life, but i’d much rather have mine than many others and wouldn’t want to be dead, so i will just stick with undesirable.
it’s like i live for nothing. i’m in college and in a difficult major and don’t see myself accomplishing such a hard task. i have an awful, meaningless job and work from 7pm-3am four nights a week. i have no friends and if i averaged out how many hours i sleep a week, it would be about 4 hours a day. i am extremely unhappy with my body and face. i’m 100% average in every way; in grades, looks, humor, personality, weight, talents, everything. but the worse problem right now is the love of my life just broke up with me. it’s a little more complicated to explain than he broke up with me; i technically ended it, but with everything that happened, it feels like he ended it, he checked out first, so that’s how i’m going to phrase it.
i just go through the motions of my life with a fake smile painted on my face. i don’t tell anyone any of my problems, i just listen to others’ problems. i have a twin sister. i know every detail of her life, she knows nothing about mine. the one person i shared everything with, left me, and now i have no one. i have too much pride to tell people the problems i am dealing with, mostly out of embarrassment. my pride is the main reason i have lost everyone. i’m too prideful to forgive and too prideful to apologize. i want to change, but realistically, i don’t see that happening.
i sometimes lie in my bed and cannot believe i am this alone. i used to tell everyone my secrets, but as of recently, no one knows me. no one. just recently i went two days with no one i know making contact with me; not my parents, not my twin, and i didn’t have work so no one from there either. i could have been dead, it was like i was invisible to the world. it was a strange feeling.
primarily an online diary. i’ve used many journals and notebooks but eyes that were not meant to see them, did. this seems a much more private place to write down everything. and most likely anyone who sees it will not know me.
and if one day i do decide to show someone, it will be here, easily legible. and then i can change the web address the next day and deny everything.